To My Noah,
Today, I had to update my last two posts because my therapist said I should not tell too much because people are mean. I haven’t launched the blog yet. I know you will not judge me, but others will. I will limit what I share about my current situation and about some of my past because this is going public. I will add to it later for you. My Nana was also worried about this.
I am worried about this because I am coming up from rock bottom. Rock bottom really is the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. I am no longer at rock bottom, but people like to hit you when you are down. I had a guy try to coerce me into being with him due to my situation. He thought he would get a relationship out of me needing him, so I got rid of him all together.
I'm not desperate and don't need anyone that much. I already made that mistake with the third husband needing protection from spirits. I won't make that mistake again. I have been on the streets homeless and hungry and still refused to settle for Mr. Wrong.
I want to focus on talking to you, not the structure of running a blog or writing a book that others will read. However, I will balance the desires vs. the needs. I want this for myself because I needed a hobby, and I really like journaling. However, I also need to tell my story, so it's a win-win.
I have been so worried about the format, being judged, not knowing what I am doing, etc. that I delayed doing this for four years after going to sessions to learn how to create a blog and write a book. I was stuck because I couldn't decide what format I wanted to tell my story in. When I went to write you it hit me that this is what I need to do to tell my story.
I looked it up and this is called an epistolary novel. I worked backwards. I found a personal need to fulfill and then realized that it was my blog and book too. Then, I looked it up to see what I am creating. I still don't know how to format the story with going back and forth between past and present, but I will figure things out as I go.
I free-write in my regular journal, so I will probably use that method because I am comfortable with it and it's the easiest, least stress way. I want to make money, but I do not want this to feel like a job. I started this to feel close to you before I unite with you. I also want to tell you about my life, what you missed so you can get to know me. This will make 'getting to know you' easy from my end. And if a guy doesn't like this, he's not My Noah.
My aunt Sharon gave me an idea today. When I made a Facebook post about the blog and what I was doing, she posted a story about me when I was two. I don't have details, but I have heard all of my life how I wanted something and put my rocking horse through a window because I couldn't have it. I got the idea to post for others to give me story ideas. I will most posts for them to submit ideas and then I can choose which stories I want to write about in the blog/book.
Back to the story about my childhood. We covered some stories for the first ten years of my life. Throughout my childhood things that we frequently did was: dance and sing in our socks in the kitchen, play baseball, play rummy, make mud pies, climb trees, make forts, and go to the skating rink. When I was around 11 years old, Bryan brought cheese to school and gave it to me for a holiday calling me ratgirl. It was humiliating with everyone watching. He did apologize as an adult. When I was 12, I got my braces. When I was 13, my parents split up and I moved in with my grandparents.
When I was 14, I got my first delinquent boyfriend in high school. Bryan was my middle school infatuation, and Wayne was my high school infatuation. He was so arrogant. He just laid in the gym floor all sprawled out like he was a king. He came to the window when Jessica and I were in Math class. She told me his name.
I wish she would've told me to stay away from him. I probably wouldn't have listened. It took one wave through the classroom window for me to fall in infatuation. Fast forward and I am half-naked in a lime green outfit visiting him in juvenile jail. He sounds a lot like my father huh? Yeah, I know. Oedipus complex in full swing. They both had the same dark hair, olive Native American look too.
What's worse is the first husband is his brother. After about 5 years of dealing with Wayne's crap, I found his brother to be more suitable. I was in college and I ran into him at a party. Both of us were studying while everyone else was partying. We bonded over both being devoted college students that loved to vacation at the beach.
I was infatuated with one that I could not be with because he was too messed up, and I couldn't fall in love with the one that was good. This is a pattern for me that I have since broken. The third husband pretended for three years to be this great guy before I even let him out of the friend zone. Too bad it wasn't true, but it does show that I learned the infatuation with bad boys lesson because I thought I was choosing a good guy this time.
Back to the present, twice now I have seen posts about oversharing. This comes after the warning from the therapist and Nana. I have always had a problem with this. The second post said you do this because you weren't heard as a child. That makes sense for me. However, I let fear of telling my story delay me four years after hard work and financial investment. I do not feel like I care what people think anymore. I have been hurt by people so much that I feel immune to caring what they think of me.
I see that everyone else has their person and that makes me sad, but I know that many of them are not as happy with their partner that I will be with you. So many people settle for comfort, convenience, loneliness, financial benefit, etc. I have already learned that I cannot be happy if I settle for anything less than soulmate love. Some may say that I am expecting too much or my dreams of finding you are unrealistic, but soulmate love is the only true romantic love to me. I would rather be alone than have less than soulmate love. And I have chosen to be alone for that reason most of my life.
If you are wondering what I mean by soulmate love, The Notebook does a great job of showing it. Noah is crazy about her and she is crazy about him. He lays down and dies with her at the end of the movie. I have also heard of couples where one dies and the other dies soon after of a broken heart. That does border on co-dependence, but that is okay as long as it's not restrictive during the relationship.
What am I waiting for before I decide to date? I want to find someone worth taking the risk on. I want a good amount of time as friends to make sure we are compatible. I want to be in my new place to live and have my finances settled with the new place. I am in the process of finding a new place to live and the transition phase is hard for me.
I also plan to make new single friends to do things with until I find you. I want to make sure I am fulfilled on my own, so I am not coming from a place of lack going into a relationship. I don't want to be on the rise from rock bottom, I want to be at the top on my own so I feel like I am bringing my best to the relationship.
I am heading to bed soon. I am not sure on the timing of these blog posts. I want to talk to you all day until bed. I can write until bed and then post on Facebook and Instagram the next day. I think that is what I will do. I am learning as I go without stress. Good night my love! 💘
Love Always,
Your Allie, Christa
tomynoahblog@gmail.com
Picture by: x.com/jancavelle
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